Blonde Bombshell

five things.

 on my mind. 

• Always hug/kiss hello and goodbye. You can never do it enough and you never know if it will be the last time you will.
• Words can hurt or heal any heart. So think before you speak because it can make all the difference in the world. 
• The truth is always a better option. And remember, just because someone doesn't confront you about it, doesn't mean they don't know you are lying. It's never too late to correct it.
• If you love someone, tell them. You never know if they are about to walk away forever. 
• Patience is a virtue. But that doesn't make it any easier to do. But it could be what changes your entire life.

and all the roads we have to walk are winding. and all the lights that lead the way are blinding. there are many things that i would like to say to you but i don't know how.

 I got an e-mail about three weeks ago from the ex-fiancé. At first it was some small talk, which was weird considering the last e-mail I had received from him was distant and unfriendly. I was cordial of course; I had been since the breakup and wasn’t going to change that. He asked if I wanted to get dinner sometime to catch up. I was caught completely off guard by it and was hesitant to respond. I played out about a million different scenarios in my head as to what he wanted. I gave it about a week to contemplate. At first, I wasn’t going to go. I felt like that door in my life had been closed and I had moved on and was in such a different place in my life. But after further consideration I agreed to it. In my heart I felt that I needed to go, to make sure that I really had moved on from him emotionally. I was so nervous on the drive to the restaurant. Partly because I thought he was going to attempt a murder (I know I’m totally not dramatic) but mostly just because I was afraid that all those old feelings were going to come back. What if all this time we have had apart meant nothing and I would go right back to the exact same place I was in before our breakup. But, it was a risk I was willing to take. I wanted full closure and to KNOW that I had moved on.

i don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight, let's just fix this whole thing now. i swear to god we're gonna get it right if you lay your weapon down.

 I read this today and immediately wanted to repost it.. think there is a very honest and pure truth to this. I added a link to the full article at the bottom of this post. Enjoy the read :)

"Relationships aren't a lock. Instead, they're a curious evolution, a live animal, a partnership. You feed it and it feeds you back. The fascinating thing about a good relationship is that it's work. It's not work to love the other person, it's work to show it. It's work to check yourself and your ego before you wreck, well, everything. It's work to unload your baggage. It's work to realize that at home you don't have to perform and win the way you might in your career; you're simply somebody's teammate and buddy -- your job is to help the team win. It's work to see when your buddy needs your help, when they're in pain, when they need attention. It's work to acknowledge that it's not all about you. 

Real power, to me, is the ability to give more than you require. And it doesn't matter how saucy and sassy you are out in the world if you can't get real when nobody's watching, or grow and learn from a partner. Frankly, it's easy to stamp your foot and say, "This is who I AM! If somebody wants in on this they just need to DEAL with it!" That's not powerful; it's stubborn, lazy, self-centered. And probably lonely. 

I live with someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with. He does not blindly worship me, and I don't in return. We simply love each other. We're friends with each other. We hold hands through the easy-breezy days and hug through the rough ones. We talk through the fights. We let go of grudges. We keep each other safe. We listen, we talk. We check in every day. We take care of each other so that we can take on another day in this insane, confusing world. We don't stop being individuals to be an "us," but we take care of the "us" and in turn, become stronger and better individuals."

Click here for the full article.

he's soft to the touch but frayed at the ends he breaks. he's never enough and still he's more than i can take. oh and i don't know, i don't know what he's after, but he's so beautiful, he's such a beautiful disaster.

 

"Perhaps love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. Not whom I want you to be, but to who you are."

....And if I can hold on through the tears and the laughter. Would it be beautiful or just a beautiful disaster?

and we won't stop until it's over. won't stop to surrender.

I absolutely love this song. Enjoy :)

this is where i say i've had enough and no one should ever feel the way that i feel now. a walking open wound, a trophy display of bruises and I don't believe that I'm getting any better.

 I am at a crossroad in life right now. I need to make some decisions that could ultimately affect the rest of my life. So, why is it so hard to choose which path to take? I find it quite odd that I can be completely confident in my decision making skills and feel as if I have a total handle on life. I wake up with a sense of security knowing that so far, I haven’t done too badly for myself. What I would like to know is where all that confidence goes when I need it the most? Nobody wants to make a bad choice. Well, maybe some do but those people are in some serious need of medical attention. Although, come to think of it maybe if I were more like them I wouldn’t be going through the headache I am now. Anyway… Decision making is something nobody can avoid. It starts at a young age. I remember working with Skyler when she was just barely 3 years old. I would give her choices. For example, when she would throw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get into the car I would simple look at her and give her two options; you either get in the car yourself, or I will put you in. Which one is it going to be? I still remember those rosy little cheeks and big blue eyes as she would tilt her head and look up at me in thought. She is a sweet little girl and would usually make the ‘right’ choice. She will be 5 in September and we still work on that same sort of decisions. As she gets older it obviously gets a little easier. But there are still those days when no matter how hard you try, sometimes being angry and mean still seems like the better choice than being nice and happy. I think that is perfectly normal. If we went through life always making the ‘right’ choices I don’t think we would learn half as much as we do by making the wrong ones. Now, making a choice to be happy or mad seems pretty minor in what most of us face in our adult life. But I think there are a few very important things to learn from that.  

so, since you want to be with me, you'll have to follow through with every word you say. and I, all I really want is you, you to stick around. I'll see you everyday, but you have to follow through.

 “You can’t put life into a box and wrap it up with a pretty little bow. It’s just how it works.”  That was the advice my mom gave me yesterday. She reminded me, like she always does, that life is full of heartache and disappointment. To try and run from that or deny its existence is silly and only going to hurt you in the long run. Sometimes all it takes is a little phone call to your mom to make everything all better. Some things never change :) 

Life is good right now. Sure, I have my moments where I want to punch every person who steps foot in my way… haha. But for the most part I don’t have many complaints. My life is pretty hectic. I don’t have a whole lot of time to myself. My dad always tells me how important it is to take a few minutes a day to gather your thoughts and emotions and just meditate on life. I wish I did this more often, but always feel like there are better things I could be doing with my time. This morning I had a few minutes and decided to take them for myself. I turned the television off, closed my computer and just shut my eyes. I did a mental recap of this last year. Where I was, where I am now, and where I am headed. Not too bad. It is easy for me to focus on all the hardships in my life. To look at everything I don’t have and allow that to become the focus in my life, which then turns into a stressor. I made it a point to ignore every negative thought during my “quiet time”. It didn’t take long before I felt this overwhelming sense of joy at all the great things I do have. I have a job that I like, friends that couldn’t be replaced, and a family that I totally lucked out on being a part of. I live with 3 incredible women in one of the most beautiful places in California at a very low, low cost :) – So, like I said before…. Life is good.

love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart. like why are we here? & where do we go? & how come it's so hard? it's not always easy & sometimes life can be deceiving. i'll tell you one thing it's always better when we're together.

 I was talking with a friend last night about fear of the future. I was telling him that I am afraid for my next relationship. What if I make the same mistakes? What if I fall in love with someone and he turns out to be a completely different person than I thought? When you commit to spend the rest of your life with someone and then that relationship falls apart you question your judgment. How could I have been so blind? Why did I let it go on so long before ending it the second I knew it wasn’t right? He reminded me how young I am and that I have this whole life ahead of me. And yes, he is right. I do have time. But what I tried to explain was that emotionally I feel like I’ve been through a war. And even though time is on my side, I’m not sure why heart would agree with that :) It is so easy to go over scenario after scenario trying to pinpoint where you went wrong. It would be very easy, maybe too easy, to just give up on settling down with anyone and allow that fear cripple me. It scares me beyond belief that I am going to repeat my past mistakes. I want to believe that with time and the trust I have in God that when the right person comes along I will have this overwhelming sense of peace in my heart that it is right. But when will that time come?

so go on baby, make your little get away. my pride will keep me company & you just gave yours all away. now I'm gonna dress myself for two, once for me & once for someone new. i'm gonna do some things you wouldn't let me do. oh I'm gonna find another you.

Do we ever recover from past loves? I wonder sometimes if we ever can escape our past. Now, I want to preface this by saying that I’ve never been with someone that I’ve regretted breaking up with. I don’t know what it feels like to look back and think. “Wow, no one will ever compare to how great that person was”. Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Either way, I know enough people who have or are struggling with comparing old with new. My girl Carrie once asked, “When a relationship dies do we ever really give up the ghost or are we forever haunted by the spirits of relationships past? “. Now, I may not know what it is like to have this great love that I yearn for, but I do know what it feels like to have a relationship feel like it will haunt me long after it’s ended.

to make a mountain of your life is just a choice. but I never learned enough to listen to the voice that told me. always love. hate will get you every time. always love. don't wait until the finish line.

Do you ever think about much we rely on other people? There are times when we practically put our lives in another human beings hand. When people give birth and become parents, they take home this innocent child with no real experience or knowledge as to what they are doing. They are expected to raise this child with the hope it turns out okay. As we grow older and no longer need our parents to guide us or raise us we set out in the world and face life sort of on our own. Except then we then build relationships and rely on those around us. Teachers who educate us and help shape our minds so that we can venture off and make a life for ourselves with it. Friends who help us walk through our situations and are apart of the decision-making that happens as life does. A Significant other whom you ultimately give your heart to and trust that they are going to keep it safe and handle it with care. Even as you grow older and life is coming to an end, we rely on someone to take care of our health and make sure that in those final days we are living as comfortably as possible. But think about it. We rely so much on these imperfect people to help shape our lives and take care of some of our most fragile parts.

Trust: a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b: one in which confidence is placed

Trust is such loaded concept. For most people it takes so very much to trust another, but so very little to lose it. Which, after seeing the definition on paper makes complete sense. You are relying on someone 100% to in a sense care for every aspect of your being. When we build friendships or relationships with people we tend to emerge ourselves at a very slow and steady pace. We don’t want to divulge too much to quickly. With good reason of course. Who knows where these people are going to be tomorrow, 6 months, or a year from now. So when is it safe to put your total trust in someone? Is it some defining moment within the relationship? A grand gesture, a deep and meaningful talk, or maybe it’s just when the other person does something unexpected that tugs at your heart and suddenly you want to put all your trust in them. No matter how you look at it, it comes down to something very simple: closing your eyes, holding your breath, and jumping in feet first without ever looking back.

There are no guarantees in life. When parents give birth they do everything they can to raise their children. Some pull it off brilliantly and others just fail. When a teacher is educating you, you aren’t always going to leave their classroom feeling smarter than you did walking in. But you could have a teacher who helps you figure out your passion in life as well as the potential you have. Friendships and relationships don’t always turn out how we want or expect them to. People will come into our lives that we might forget while others will come in and change us forever. But it is the initial step we make in life where we put our trust in others that will ultimately change who we are without even knowing it. It amazes me though to know that one word can make you feel amazing or heartbroken. We love when we can trust others or when others can trust us. There is no feeling that quite compares with it. Knowing that you have someone who is going to be there for you emotionally, physically, mentally is a pretty reassuring thing. The flip side to it is when you let your guard down and let them in you run the risk of them hurting you in a way that makes you feel pretty damn bad. When trust is broken you feel like someone stole something from you. It changes the way you see them. The thing is it’s inevitable. At some point in your life someone is going to break that trust you so apprehensively gave away. It might even rock you to your core. I guess the best lesson that can be learned from that isn’t to no longer trust in anyone or anything. It’s about remembering how you felt in that moment that your trust was broken and use it as a reminder the next time someone puts his or her trust in you and you think you might break it. It is a privilege to have relationships as deep as some that we have. So it’s extremely important that we handle them with care. So instead of carrying that hurt around with us and over into the other relationships we have or giving into the fear that it might happen again and allowing it to paralyze you from opening up again, maybe we should try something else. Take time to heal and process that hurt. We can’t deny what we feel. Nobody should expect us to. But after that healing process ends we should use those experiences as a tool the next time we might have a weak moment and do what humans do, make mistakes. Break someone’s trust.  Who knows, it might just come around full circle. I believe very much in paying it forward. Maybe if more of us took the time to see the beauty in our pain we might just enrich our lives in ways we didn’t even think possible.  

Always Love - Nada Surf