“There are few things sadder in this life than watching someone walk away after they've left you, watching the distance between your bodies expand until there's nothing... but empty space and silence.”
I always think about how much easier life would be if we always knew what to expect in the future. That way there is never any unexpected turns that can ultimately turn your life upside down. In the last few days I have been doing a lot of thinking. Wondering. Questioning. When did life get so complicated? How do we know what decisions are the right ones? It seems to me that the more mistakes we make in life, the harder it is to trust yourself. Your judgment. I was talking to my mom the other day and I just kept telling her how all I seem to do is screw up and make bad decisions. How I can’t even trust myself to make even the simplest of decisions without fear of the repercussions. Which then makes the thought of those bigger decisions seem overwhelming to the point of crippling me.
About 3 weeks after my breakup I met someone who changed my life. We became fast friends. From the moment we met it felt as if we had known each other for years. I found myself opening up to him about things that I hadn’t ever told a soul. I never looked at him as more than just a friend. My heart was not in a place to allow anyone in. I had healing to do and I knew I wasn’t capable of anything more than that. He too was in a similar place and I think we both sort of felt at ease knowing that we could be just that. Friends. I would date and talk to him about it and tell him all my wild and crazy stories. He was such a good listener. He made me laugh like I’ve never laughed before and always seemed to know exactly what to say. My friends would see us interact with each other and couldn’t quite comprehend how we were “just friends”. We had incredible chemistry. But I was so blinded by my own stuff that I failed to see it.
Life is funny that way. We can think we are on this path and our protecting ourselves from getting hurt by keeping people at an arms distance away. But God always seems to have a different plan. He manages to come in and open our eyes to something that we may not have ever seen on our own. I believe he brings people into our lives as a way of helping us move forward and bettering our person in order to become all that we are capable of. Sometimes I have a hard time enjoying the present. I want to know what is going to happen 6 months from now. Or a year from now. And I’ve come to find that it isn’t doing me any good. I want to protect myself from the unknown. I want a guarantee that I will never make a poor decision and get hurt in the process. Unfortunately for me, that will never happen.
These last few days have been emotional to say that least. I have had so much time to think about my life and what I really want. Not what I think others will want for my life or what is the socially acceptable decision. But following my heart to what makes me happy. I’ve pushed someone away because I was scared and not only hurt him, but hurt myself. Baggage is a funny thing, because the second you think you’ve gotten rid of it all; it manages to come back and smack you in the face.
We are all human. We have human emotions and we handle situations imperfectly. We all want to do what is right for us and do what we can to protect ourselves but I worry about what we lose in that process. Life is never going to be cut and dry. Never. So I wonder what life would be like if we trusted in a God bigger than this? And allowed for the things we go through and the people we meet along the way to help carry is through those difficult times. And were able to truly enjoy them during the wonderful times.
After my breakup I could legitimately justify being selfish. I figured I got screwed over so I am not going to care about or put anyone else first! I don’t care who I hurt in the process. That lasted about 3 weeks. When I met my mystery friend. I had pretty much told him that I wasn’t interested in dating and that I don’t ever want to see him again. I was scared. I was a bitch. It was only a couple days after that I felt bad. Really bad. I had to find a way to contact him and apologize. I’ve never been so happy to take back that selfish “I don’t care about anyone but myself” action. Because I don’t know where I would be without this friendship and all that it has developed into.
I don’t have all the answers and I don’t know what my future holds. And I’m okay with that. I think when you meet people who make your life so much more than it is, those are the kind of people to keep around as long as possible. I can sit around and go through a million scenarios of how I could get hurt again, but I’m starting to feel like that energy is better spent nurturing those relationships and working on myself on a day to day basis. I think we do a huge disservice to ourselves and the people around us by shutting out what we can explain or predict. I never want to get to a place where I am that way. I want to work on being less scared of what is to come and more excited to let people walk with me on my journey and walk with them through theirs. Because at the end of the day, having people around that we love and care about is so much more fulfilling than anything else.
Recent Comments