and she combed your hair, and she kissed your teeth and she made you better than you'd been before. she told you bad things you wished you could change in the lazy summer.

 Last week marked the year anniversary of my breakup with my fiancé. To say it was an emotional week would be an understatement. I am happy to report that none of those emotions involved any feeling of regret or remorse over the split. I think it just made it all seem so real. This has by far been the best year of my life, but it has also been one of the hardest. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I could actually tell you what I was wearing. I remember that feeling of defeat and absolute sadness as I drove away from what I thought would be the man I would grow old with. I still remember the taste of my tears as they fell from my eyes as I tried to get words out as I told my mom what had just happened. Devastation would be a good word for what I felt. I immediately drove to the valley that night. I was in need of the loving embrace of my parents. For them to reassure me that everything was going to be okay. I remember sitting on the floor of our upstairs living room as my parents looked at me with sympathetic eyes. They reminded me of my worth and that God had this big plan for me. I remember wanting so much to believe what they were saying but I couldn’t look past the fact that everything I had thought I wanted had suddenly fallen apart. That was probably the longest weekend of my life. When I arrived back home on Sunday night I didn’t even have a chance to process everything before all hell broke lose. A very hurt, very angry guy came at me with vengeance. Looking for any way to hurt me. I read in a book once that you realize how much you don’t know a person once you go through a divorce with them. Man, was that ever true. I may not have gone through a divorce but I joke that it was my “Mini divorce”. I remember seeing him. From an appearance standpoint, he looked the same. Tall, gorgeous smile and oh so handsome. But when I looked into his eyes I didn’t see him. I didn’t see the man that I had fallen so hard for. The man I had such high hopes and expectation for. It was as if I didn’t even know him. Which really was the hardest thing to move on from.

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism." –Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love.)

When I read that, it was as if I had written it myself. That describes my relationships with men exactly. When I see people I manage to look past every fault, insecurity, shortcomings, and find the beauty or any sort of redemptive quality they have. Then I spend my time helping them channel that quality so it might outshine all the rest. That has been my absolute downfall. After I broke off the engagement, I realized that I can’t do that anymore. I can’t be with someone for the potential they have. I can’t fall in love with the “What ifs”. I have to find someone that is perfect just they way they are. Now, that doesn’t mean I think I am going to find that one perfect man on this earth, cause God knows he doesn’t exist, but find someone who I don’t feel the need to change or alter in order to fit what I think I need.

I did a lot of soul searching after the breakup. I didn’t want to repeat those same mistakes. Actually, I was terrified to make those same mistakes. I didn’t ever want to feel what I felt that day as I drove away. I sought counsel to help me understand why I do the things I do and what I could do to fix that. I would love to say that I have made a full emotional recovery, but I haven’t. I have made a tremendous amount of progress, but my heart is still not fully healed. I think that’s what discouraged me last week. I thought, a year has gone by and I should be healthy and back to “normal”. I realized in that, that I don’t want to go back to normal. I want to move forward and leave behind all those ideals I thought I wanted or needed in someone else. With each scar I have taken with me from my past relationships, I am able to use that as a reminder of where I have been and the things I have learned. With that knowledge I can navigate better through those times when I find myself potentially repeating old behavior.

I know there will never been a guarantee that I won’t get hurt again. I know that I might make some of the same mistakes again. I will fall down but I know I will pick myself up and move on. I don’t know what the future holds for me or what God has in store for my life. What I do know is that when it comes to matters of the heart I will walk with caution. I won’t just let anyone come in and make a home in my heart. To only mess it up, leave it dirty and vacate. Last night I got accused of something along the lines of being in love. The details of it don’t really matter so I won’t disclose them. But anyway, when this accusation was given, I had to hold back from laughing. I must be a great actress. I say this because I sit awake at night and worry that I won’t ever be able to love again. That I won’t be able to open up my heart like I did those few years ago. I worry for my next partner and how our relationship will unfold and if I will ever be able to let go. So for someone to say that seemed so far from where I am at emotionally. That doesn’t mean that I won’t ever be able to enter into a relationship, but when I do it will have to go at a snails pace in order for me to ever open up to the thought of loving someone and letting them love me in return. I realize that I can’t go my entire life never loving anyone again, but at this stage in the game I can’t even fathom that. Anytime I think about another guy coming into my life at that capacity I can’t picture it. I can’t picture being in love, spending our time together, being a part of my family or his for that matter. It’s the strangest thing and I have never experienced that before. But I do think it might just be a sign that I am not ready for something serious and my heart is still healing from my relationship…. And that’s okay. 

“We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something." –Eat, Pray, Love

I heard that in the movie and it stuck with me, as well as made me cry like baby. But man, is that not so true. I may not have reached the full recovery I had hoped for in this year, but I have grown so much and learned even more. I don’t regret my relationship with my fiancé. If anything, I can look back think about how hard I fought for someone who I thought I was in love it… which makes me think about how much harder I will be able to fight for someone who I am absolutely in love with. 

Comments

[melody]

i'm so proud of you katy. really. there's so much growth happening in your heart - it's a privilege to see you walk this whole thing out. love you! :)