Blonde Bombshell

it's a big girl world now. full of big girl things. and everyday I wish I was small. i've been counting on nothing, but he keeps giving me his word. and I am tired of hearing myself speak. do you ever get weary? do you ever get weak?

 This has been an emotional few months for me. It feels like life is throwing so many things at me and emotionally I am trying to deal with it all to the best of my ability. Normally I just take everything into my own hands and silently deal with any and all problems that arise. I am realizing that I can’t live like that anymore. The role I have played in my family and within my friends has always been the one who has it together and nobody has to worry whether or not I’m okay. I was the “strong” one. Although I am thankful to be able to take care of myself and have that sort of independence, I also think it has sort of done me a disservice in some aspects of my life. I’ve never really let anybody fully into my heart. I sort of just draw them in but guard my heart just enough so they can’t see my weaknesses, character flaws and vulnerability. I have come across very few people in my life who I felt were strong enough to handle the issues in my life and the emotions that I have and who were strong enough to handle that burden themselves. Two of which are my parents. I didn’t even look at my fiancé that way. He wasn’t one that I turned to when it came down to those hard issues in life. It just wasn’t his role and partially because I never allowed for him to be that person for me. Whether or not he could have done it, at this point I’ll never know. But either way, I allowed for that to be the norm and I probably robbed the both of us of a deeper relationship because of it. It is a definite fault of mine and I am working daily to let go of that sort of control I feel I need and allow people into parts of my heart that nobody has ever been. The thought of being that vulnerable and open with another person is an overwhelming and scary thought. It makes me want to crawl into bed and never come out. I could probably continue to be this way and now allow people into my life in a deeper capacity, but I know that in the long wrong that isn’t what is going to fulfill me the most.

five things.

 on my mind. 

• Always hug/kiss hello and goodbye. You can never do it enough and you never know if it will be the last time you will.
• Words can hurt or heal any heart. So think before you speak because it can make all the difference in the world. 
• The truth is always a better option. And remember, just because someone doesn't confront you about it, doesn't mean they don't know you are lying. It's never too late to correct it.
• If you love someone, tell them. You never know if they are about to walk away forever. 
• Patience is a virtue. But that doesn't make it any easier to do. But it could be what changes your entire life.