Blonde Bombshell

the world is on my side, i have no reason to run. so will someone come and carry me home tonight.

After the 4^th person I trapped in order to vent about something that happened to me, I realized I should probably put it on paper. You know, it might help put to rest the rage that still consumes me. With that said…

This post may contain a few choice 4-letter words. Sorry mom!

I’m halfway through this book right now by a male author who wants women to understand what men really think and exactly how we should react to it. I’ll likely stay halfway through it considering I have thrown it in my “to burn” pile. The only thing the author has going for him is that he AT LEAST prefaces the book with “I’m not saying it’s right, but it is true” which resembles something I like to call… bullshit. It’s like If I went up to someone and said, “Listen, what I’m about to say isn’t right, but it is true… you’re a fat, ugly whore.”. While yes, it might be true. And yes, it might be exactly what I want to say to that person. Sometimes you just have to learn that you can’t just act however you want.

I understand that we live in a world full of double standards. Some of which we will live with until the day we die. But there are some that I refuse to accept just because society “says so”. I am in no way a feminist. I still hold onto that old fashion idea that men should work and bring home the bacon, while women should stay home and take care of the home and children. And before I get angry e-mails from women in pantsuits telling me why that sentence is SO wrong… I get it isn’t the ideal for everyone.  So spare yourself the trouble and go back to sipping on your nonfat 2 pump vanilla latte with extra foam and returning e-mails to your male colleagues who are likely making more than you even though you have the same position.

I recently got thrown back into the dating world. I know, poor me. Dating sucks. It is the most awkward and abnormal thing on the planet. In fact, I think I wrote an entire blog post about this a few years ago. As to why I find myself back in this position every few years is a whole other issue I should probably address. Instead, I’ll avoid and drink more wine. Am I allowed to blame it on being too fabulous for anyone to handle? No? It was worth a shot.

I want to live in a world where you can get up halfway through a date you know isn’t going to go anywhere, and politely hail a cab. To the closest bar. I mean, you wouldn’t want to waste all the effort you made to get ready, right? That, or in the case of a date I went on a few weeks ago, ask the waiter for his number, since you are far more attracted to him than you are your own date, and continue eating your free dinner. Too harsh? :) Why can’t this stuff be socially acceptable? There has to be a petition I can get circulating to make this happen. Facebook group anyone?

Okay, back to the book. I am going to highlight some of favorites.

 1. Women should look their absolute best for a minimum of 3 months before they can feel free to throw on sweatpants and t-shirt for a casual movie night. Because apparently if we show our “true colors” too early, they assume we are going to lose ourselves in no time they will be trapped in a relationship with a moo-moo wearing slob who now only showers every 4 days. But as long as 3 months go by, they are in the clear from that happening. It’s simple math really.

2. Under no circumstance are we allowed to use the dreaded 8-letter word: MARRIAGE. Well, you can. After at least a year. And only if he brings it up first.

3. Guys want to be with the “cool” girl. You know, the one who doesn’t take anything too seriously and wouldn’t, under any circumstance, bring up the word “boyfriend” too quickly. Or God forbid, first! But don’t worry ladies, he gives a full workup of scenarios on how to play it cool if the word monogamy gets brought it. Pretty much don’t act like you are THAT interested, but also don’t bring up any other people you might be dating. Guys don’t like that. But, we have to be okay with them talking openly about all the “play” they are getting. Cause guys want to be with the girl who likes strips clubs and doesn’t mind when they check out other women. You know, the “cool” girl. Whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean.

4. Chapter 6: “Your body is truly OUR temple”. Yes, that is an actual chapter. Oh I’m sorry, the last time I checked my body was MY temple and belonged to me. Clearly I was mistaken. – This chapter was a real gem. I can sum it up pretty quickly. Women need to have a top-notch body. I mean, pretty close to perfection. Because come on, that’s all men really care about. They are visual beings. Duh. The kicker? Men are allowed to be overweight couch potatoes whose diets consist of hot dogs and beer and the word exercise hasn’t come out of their mouth in over a year. Well, except for when they tell us to go to the gym. But hey, the author did preface the book right? “It isn’t right… but it’s true.” Which obviously makes this all okay.

I understand that there are rules to being single and dating. I understand that men don’t want you sending them picture text messages of a generated photo of what your babies will look like. They don’t want to be with the girl who doesn’t take care of herself or practically proposes after dating for two weeks. I totally get it (mostly because I wouldn’t want to be with a guy like that). But, I also think that some of these rules that women are supposed to follow are absolutely ridiculous. Act interested, but not too interested. Be available, but not too available. Be forward, but not too forward. All while hoping this guy can get to know the “real” you. Even though the REAL you wouldn’t play your cards anything like that.

I recently had met a guy who held my interest, which isn’t easy. And after a long string of so-so dates, it was refreshing.

Tall, awkward and white – check.

Funny – check.

Smart and interesting – check.

Handsome – check.

Well dressed – well, we can work on that. :)

We hit it off and hung out a few times. So he calls me up one night and we spend a good half hour on the phone laughing at each other’s sarcasm. He asks me to hang out over the weekend. My work schedule was a little up in the air (as it usually is) but that I would make something work. Then comes the weekend. I sort of get a few vague texts from him but in essence he blew me off. Here is my thing… and I feel like most women will agree with this. If you meet a guy and he asks for your number and then never calls (Just like girls can give their number out with no intention of ever going out with someone.) It isn’t the end of the world. You win some you lose some. But what on earth is the point of reaching out to someone all on your own merit – then blowing them off? Is it a pissing contest? “I bet I can get her to agree to go out with me cause I’m such a pimp…blah blah”. Don’t call me up, ask me to set time aside for you in my already hectic schedule and then blow me off. If you aren’t interested, I’ll live. I promise. The thing is, most people would be mad. BUT had I actually gotten mad and told him how I felt, like he deserved, I would be crazy. Cause women have to be calm, cool and collected all the time… even when a guy is being a total ass hole. Which makes me wonder, are women creating monsters by allowing men to act however they want because society says it’s a rule?

I’ve been in monogamous relationships my whole life. I think it’s just part of my personality. So I haven’t done a whole lot of dating – six months at a time here and there. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to wrap my head around all of these rules. If I like a guy, I’ll act interested and be available to him. If I’m not interested, I’ll be honest and upfront about it so I don’t waste either of our time. Why is it necessary to play these games? Why do I have to pretend to be busy even though I’m not because our society says we have to play by certain rules?

Well, I say eff that. I refuse to play games or go by bogus rules that some retard came up with because it’s what our society deems normal. So if I end up 40, living with my parents and 26 cats (mom and dad, consider this your formal warning) then so be it. But I would choose being alone over being with some ass hole who would rather play games then just be normal.

Man, I hope I didn’t just predict my own future. Do you think this is how it started for Susan Boyle? Oh God...

laugh until we think we'll die, barefoot on a summer night. never could be sweeter than with you. and in the streets you run afree, like it's only you and me. home is whenever i'm with you.

The last time that I posted was in July of 2011. I know, I lose. BUT, I’m back and better than ever. And by better I mean exactly the same.

Anyway…

I’ve been reading a lot lately and it has given me this urge to write. I spend my time in the car coming up with witty and hilarious little posts for all to enjoy. Then I get home and it is like my head is empty. Go ahead, make a blonde joke. But they won’t really work since I’m in transition and my hair sort of looks like a wannabe blonde. A wannabe blonde hooker on crack. That’s okay, come Saturday and I will be looking as fabulous as ever… and much less like a cracked out whore. At least I hope.

See, normally I would care what I look like but ever since my boyfriend moved 2930847308 miles away from me, I find myself justifying a little too much why I don’t need to do my hair. Ever. Speaking of being abandoned by the only person who keeps me sane… let’s talk about that for a second.

I’ve noticed there are two types of people when it comes to talking about long distant relationships.

1. The ones that look at you with pity in their eyes and ask you “how you are doing?” Like the only reason your boyfriend moved was to get as far, far away from you as possible. Then they start talking about how you’ll eventually find someone… it’s only a matter of time. Wait, did I miss something? Did I get dumped and I’m just not aware of it? WHAT IS GOING ON??
2. They go on and on and on about how TERRIBLE long distance relationships are and ask you a million questions about all the funny (but only to them) little things that happen during this time.. like the dumb little arguments or having to go to everything dateless. Ya, it’s all REAL FREAKIN hilarious! You do realize this is my life “we” are laughing about. And by we I mean you laughing while I’m crying on the inside.

Long distance relationships are great! Okay for reals…this sucks. This was never how God intended for it to be. I mean, it’s like being single… but worse. The whole point of being in a relationship is so your friends don’t give you the “we’re so sorry you are single and wish we could help” look whenever you see them. Why can’t people keep their pity to themselves? Giiiiirl, don’t worry… I feel sorry for myself enough. Trust me.

So what is happening is that I have a boyfriend and people are still feeling sorry for me. Therefore making this whole situation very confusing. Sometimes I call up Dan after one of these encounters and ask him if we are still, in fact, together. As to why he hasn’t left  me yet for being crazy is beyond me. But hey, I don’t ask questions. 

But really, all jokes aside. This isn’t an ideal situation. My best friend no longer lives up the street. He isn’t here for the day in, day out. BUT, this is the situation we are in. We are working hard to make the best of it. Sometimes life unfolds very differently than we plan for it to and I refuse to allow for this to ruin how great we are together. We figure it is only a season of our life. We talk about and make plans to eventually be closer to each other. It helps to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am extremely thankful that we are only an hour plane ride from each other and that we can afford to see each other at least every other weekend. So it’s almost like we aren’t apart. Almost.

So when people ask me how I’m doing… this is what I’m going to say: Well, I don’t want to punch him any more now than I did before, so I think that’s a good sign. :)   

it's not a silly little moment. it's not the storm before the calm. this is the deep and dying breath of this love that we've been working on.

As little girls we learn at a young age exactly what our role in life is to be. We are given dolls, dress up clothes, makeup, and those little kitchens complete with every little accessory we could imagine. So we dress up in our clothes, we put our makeup on, grab our babies and then continue to slave away to prepare the perfect meal for our “family”. We watch movies that tell us we need a man to come save us from our distress and that the only real happy ending in life is the one where we ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. Instilled in us, is this idea that woman aren’t strong, smart, successful and clearly can’t stick up for themselves. EVEN WORSE we are then given this illusion that all men are built to be strong, handsome, capable and willing and ready to love us unconditionally and take care of us for the rest of your life. Meaning that we don’t ever have to worry if we get ourselves into a predicament, say… be dumb enough to take an apple from a 90 year old lady who is clearly a coke head and hasn’t showered or waxed her eyebrows in oh… I don’t know…6 years. Because why would we be weary of that?  I mean, everyone in this world is kind and harmless. But really that doesn’t even matter. Why not take the bite from the apple? Because just around the corner will come my prince charming riding on his horse ready to save me from all my troubles and protect my heart for eternity. That is how life goes right? Wrong.

Let’s go ahead and fast forward 20 years and get the real idea of what our “modern day prince” looks like. I find when talking with my girlfriends we don’t have this list of things we will have in a partner. No. We have a list of things we are willing to settle for because the reality of the situation is… that it is a far less disappointing road to go down. Because trust me. If I busted out a list of qualities I wanted in a mate… I would get about 2.5 deep and already begin to envision myself living in the back of my parents house begging them to let me get another cat. You know, because 8 just isn’t enough.

Okay let’s get back to what our prince looks like on paper. I got a little distracted. Here we go.

Prince Charming According To My 16 Year Old Self:

• Tall – No less than 6’0. All princes are tall, right?
• Handsome of course… the kind of handsome that makes you just a little bit nervous
• Blue eyes and blonde hair. Really great blonde hair
• A doctor. The one that spends his days healing children with cancer
• Smart and funny and extremely successful – We will be taking vacations to somewhere tropical at least once a week
• Always willing to go the extra mile and do whatever I need when I need it
• Honesty and integrity – Obviously nobody likes a liar
• Someone who thinks I’m the most beautiful woman in the whole world and couldn’t imagine taking his eyes off of me for a second to even notice other women around
• Preferably Keanu Reeves - Please don’t judge me… I am only 16 remember. Oh and homeschooled.

Prince Charming According To Me Now:

• Tall. Taller than me. But really I’ll take what I can get.
• Handsome of course… the kind of handsome that makes you just a little bit nervous. Decent Looking – Just enough that I’m not embarrassed to hold his hand in public. You see,   Men who are too handsome are the ones who think they are God’s gift to the earth and probably take longer to get ready than I do.
• Blue eyes and blonde hair. Really great blonde hair. Any color as long as he has more hair on his head than not.
• A doctor. The one that spends his days healing children with cancer. He just needs to be employed. Even if that means he folds shirts at Kohl’s.
• Smart and funny and extremely successful – We will be taking vacations to somewhere tropical at least once a week. Smart isn’t really a deal breaker… as long as he can read. Funny…well I can be funny enough for the both of us. Successful…Hmm I doubt that Kohl’s is going to offer any some 401K package. Therefore our vacations will consist of setting up a tent in the backyard.
• Always willing to go the extra mile and do whatever I need when I need it. I’ll settle for nagging him until he does what I need, meanwhile cursing my name under his breath. As long as it get’s done, right?
• Honesty and integrity – Obviously nobody likes a liar. – I am thoroughly convinced that somehow men get this idea that being honest and integrous is some sort of an option. An option they NEVER CHOOSE. So I’ll go ahead and just ask that they not be a murderer.  
• Someone who thinks I’m the most beautiful woman in the whole world and couldn’t imagine taking his eyes off of me for a second to even notice other women around. As long as he thinks I’m pretty and can wait until I leave the room to check out other women.
• Preferably Keanu Reeves - Please don’t judge me… I am only 16 remember. Even Keanu Reeves seems like a prince charming in comparison to what is out there.

Am I the only person who, after reading that, has officially lost any sort of hope they had left? If not, please meet me anywhere that can serve a strong drink. We can check out the local ads for kittens who need homes. 

Here is the thing. I learned a long time ago that relationships aren’t about a man swooping in to save me. I realized how independent I was and that the reality is… I didn’t want a man to come in and think he needed to take care of me. All I had wanted was for him to look at me the same way my dad looks at my mom. With pride that he can call her his wife and with complete happiness and content that they have spent over 30 years together loving each other unconditionally. I’m sure my dad wasn’t always perfect – okay, I know he wasn’t…sorry dad :) But if my parents have taught me anything… it is that relationships take work. There are ups and there are downs. Life isn’t always going to be easy, and in those times of trial it is how you and your partner work together to take care of the other person. It is choosing to make the right decision even when the wrong one is more appealing. It is dying to yourself in order to put your partner first – with the hope that your partner is doing the same. My mom talks about the chemistry between her and my dad from the moment they met (and if you know them now, they still have that incredible spark) She said she knew that they would have a long and rich life together because no matter what, things just worked. She said that they have a passion for each other and for life. That passion sometimes translates into something happy and joyous… and sometimes they can be passionately mad at each other! But the bottom line is… they both were willing to work hard to make the other person happy and to protect each other’s hearts and emotions. They have remained faithful to each other, consistent with the love they pour out and at the end of the day come home and know just how happy they both are. And now they get to look back at these last 30 years and know that all of their hard work and devotion to each other turned into a lifetime of love and memories.

My mom is in no way a damsel in distress. She didn’t need saving and she certainly had no illusions that there was some sort of prince charming out there who was perfect and was going to make her life complete. But she met my dad and he might not have been this perfect person that she had envisioned as a little girl. But I believe that my dad, from the moment he met my mom, worked hard to be the best “prince” he could be. And I think it was more than my mom could have ever asked for.

 I want to believe that there is this person out there who I am supposed to marry (whoever he might be) that is willing and capable of putting in the work that it takes to make a relationship thrive. That he wants to spend his days loving me with his whole heart and allowing for me to love him the same. He will be patient and kind and we will both allow for ourselves to have bad days and be human. We will understand that life isn’t neat. It can’t be wrapped up in a box with a pretty little bow on it. But it won’t matter because we have each other. And whether life is easy or hard… there will always be a consistency, and that is a love and passion for each other that can weather through anything.

So the man of my dreams may not be a product of either one of those lists. But I trust that God has it worked out and that he will eventually bring Keanu my way…. haha Just kidding :) but really as cliché and LAME as I am going to sound…I guess the moral of the story is that sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs in your life to really know when that frog (the one you had hoped would turn into a prince) might just be the man (or frog for that matter) of your dreams. 

my weakness I feel I must finally show. lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all. but lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall. lend me your eyes I can change what you see. but your soul you must keep, totally free.

The last few weeks I have been facing a pretty tough battle internally. At first, I thought I was going crazy. Especially because I wasn’t sure what was triggering all of this emotion. I found myself second-guessing my life decisions, pushing people away that mean so much to me, and wanting to stay in bed and not even have to think about facing the world. It wasn’t until a few days again that I realized what it might all be.

 Subconscious: existing in the mind but not immediately available to consciousness.

Two year ago around this time was one of the hardest periods of my life. My (ex) fiancé and I we going through a lot. I remember the night I found out the major thing that set into motion the decline of our relationship. That day was sort of a fog for me and it ended by me locking myself in the bathroom and crying myself to sleep in the bathtub until morning.

I was devastated.

The man that I was planning on spending the rest of my life with has been lying to me. Lying about things that still to this day make me sad when I think about it.

The next morning I called my dad and told him that I thought it was best that we postpone the wedding. They were going to put down some big deposits that week and I knew it my heart it just wouldn’t be right.

To get into the details of what happened aren’t really important. I want to respect the privacy of our relationship and to be honest, I only like to get so open on a blog available to the public. I have no problems being open and honest about my life…both my past and present. I find no shame in being real and raw with people. Partially, because I want for people who have been in similar situations not to feel alone in what they are going through. I don’t know what it is, but knowing that someone else has been through or is going through some of the same emotions that you are is such a comforting thing. Misery likes company I guess.

After all this stuff came out about my (ex) fiancé, I didn’t just up and leave him. I felt like I had made a commitment to him and although we hadn’t exchanged vows, it didn’t matter. By my putting that ring on I committed to stay by his side no matter what. And so I did. Which began our 7-month journey to what I was hoping would be healing. We were in therapy once a week and did our best to put back together what had been broken. Unfortunately for me, I was the only one who really wanted for things to be fixed. Looking back, he had disengaged emotionally. He didn’t care. But I just couldn’t understand how somebody who months prior had gotten down on one knee, looked me in the eye and told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life loving me, could just stop. Stop trying. Stop caring. Stop loving me. Those 7 months were such a fog. We fought; I cried myself to sleep almost every night and can only remember few moments of feeling happy. I was insecure, I didn’t feel safe (emotionally) with him anymore… it was surreal.

Before that, my relationships were juvenile. I was with people, who I loved, but I was young. Naive. I hadn’t really been tainted. I had no trust issues, insecurities, or worry. I didn’t have a care in the world. Which is partially why I think I feel so madly in love with him. I didn’t really have any baggage. I got to just enjoy the process of getting to know him and not have all this “past” to deal with emotionally. I hate that this isn’t the case for me anymore.

 After 7 months of fighting to make something work, I had to walk away. He wasn’t going to change, he didn’t want to. I couldn’t carry the weight of our relationship alone anymore. I know I have talked about that day and all of what happened after (HERE) so I won’t get into that.

Last year, I didn’t really have much of an issue. It didn’t really come up for me and I figured that I had moved on and dealt with all that I needed to. I couldn’t understand why this year I was having such a hard time. Until I sat down and really thought about it. And DUH, there is a special someone in my life who I have much affection for. And well, holy crap does that stir up a lot. Suddenly, all the emotions of the year of 2009 are in the forefront of my brain and I’m scared. I’m scared to let go; I’m scared of getting hurt. I mean, if someone who wanted to marry me at one point can do the kind of damage he did without blinking an eye, how can I give my heart to someone else? Seriously, to say it is crippling would be a complete and utter understatement.

To be honest, I feel bad for the person who has to be in a relationship with me. Because now I’m tainted. I have baggage. I’m not carefree, easy going, I can’t just fall head over heels for someone without tons of reservation. Love suddenly goes from being this wonderful amazing thing, to one of the scariest things in the entire world. How does that happen?

There are some days I wake up and I’m mad. I’m mad that this guy, who I gave my heart and soul to, treated it with such disrespect. I’m mad that I now see the world differently and assume that all men are liars and cowards and care more about themselves than anyone else. I know I totally sound like a crazy, but I’m sure more than one of you reading this has been there or is currently here. There are, however, some days I wake up and I am thankful that I went through what I did. I grew so much and I see the world in a different way. I get to live with the fact that I was strong enough to leave. I was smart enough to get out before I signed that marriage certificate. That I knew I wanted more. With all of that said, it is a total roller coaster of emotion for me.

I’m realizing how much more healing I have to do. The pain that I went through isn’t just going to go away. I have to deal with it. And it is going to be a process. I think the man I end up with is going to have more shit to deal with that he probably deserves. But I do trust that he will be someone who will want nothing more than to hold my hand through it all and help me with my healing process. That he is going to be patient and understanding. I do believe there is someone out there who will be everything I need and more, because I do trust in a God bigger than my past or my hurt or my pain. Even though sometimes it is hard to see.

I don’t think I realized just how fragile a person’s heart is. You have such a huge responsibility when you love someone. You have to do everything you can to protect that. My heart wasn’t handled with any sort of caution. Sometimes we get so caught up in what we want out of life that we forget this other person who has to carefully placed their heart in our hands. I guess going back to feeling bad for the person who I end up with; there is an upside to it. Now I understand so much deeper what it means to truly love someone. I understand the responsibility of taking their heart in my hands. How much love isn’t about me. It isn’t about what I need. It’s about taking care of the other persons needs and nourishing that. Wanting to see them flourish. Follow their dreams. Encourage them in every area of their life. Even though the thought of loving someone again in that way, scares me. I know that when the time is right, I will find someone who wants to do all of those things and more for me. They will protect my heart.

I’m not perfect. I have baggage.  I come with quite a few bruises and scars. But aside from all of that, I know that whomever I end up with… I will love him with every ounce of my being and make sure I spend the rest of my life caring for his heart better than I care for my own. Because I won’t ever do to someone what I had done to me. I understand the privilege it is for someone to let you love them. And I won’t take that lightly. Ever.

Part of me wants to hide from any potential relationship I could be in. Life is just easier without the crippling fear of getting hurt. And while at this very moment, my heart is screaming to RUN, I know that I can’t do that. Hiding from what scares you is never the answer. And I don’t want to be alone just because I think that might protect me in the long wrong. Because if I do run and hide, I might miss out on something pretty incredible in my future. 

"In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die. Where you invest your love, you invest your life."

and i never wanted anything from you, except everything you had and what was left after that too. oh happiness hit her like a bullet in the head. struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that .

Well, it’s officially 2011. I know, I have been MIA, and I would love to say that it was because I was busy traveling all around the country or inventing the next big thing, but well… I wasn’t. I can only blame it on pure laziness. That and a lack of things to talk about. Thinking about it though, a lot has gone on in the last few months.. so I guess I should touch on that before I get into the real reason I am posting something today.

On December 17, I had my tonsils removed. I know, isn’t that only what kids do? Well, apparently not when you have tonsils the size of golf balls in the back of your throat. After a sleep study, about 15 tips to the doctors, we all came to the conclusion that it was time to get those babies out. And out did they come! The doctors told me it would be a two-week recovery and I did a ton of research online (which might have been my first mistake) I thought I was never going to survive. I literally had the doctors office number dialed on my phone, ready to cancel the surgery and just learn to love my tonsils, I even thought about naming them. But, I realized that I was time and that I better just put on my big girls panties and go through with it. I also went into it ready to be back on my feet in 4 days tops! Haha what a joke! That surgery knocked me on my ass. Literally. Getting out of bed seemed like the biggest task in the entire world. BUT luckily for me I have AMAZING friends who waited on my hand and foot until I made a full recovery. I definitely feel blessed to have surrounded myself with such incredible friendships over the years. I am one lucky lady:) in case anyone was wondering, after my dramatic description of the recovery, if I made it out alive… yes, yes I did! By new years I was feeling back to my fabulous self. I am SO glad that I went ahead with the surgery. I feel a world of difference and am already sleeping so much better and I really feel like a new woman.

Christmas and New Years were both great. I was able to go home for about 5 days and spend time with my parents as well as my grandparents. It was so nice to just relax and enjoy time with my family. Sometimes it feels like life gets so hectic and you don’t get the time to really enjoy your loved ones. So I feel especially blessed for that time. To sum up my New Years Eve: I was in my pajamas by 11pm and asleep before 1am.  I am not a fan of the hype that goes into that holiday. I feel like people make such a big deal about it and it usually ends in disaster. In fact, the last 5 years I have somehow ended up in tears halfway through the night. Sooo I figured what could be better than going out to dance for a few hours and then spend new years at home. Plus, my new years kiss was about 800 miles away with his family so I was probably missing him more than I care to admit… nobody tell him:)

 Is anyone feeling a little anxious over the fact that it is already February? Seriously, where did January go? I am really hoping that 2011 is going to be a phenomenal year. I know I said that about 2010, but this time I really mean it. Seriously though, it has to be amazing! So far, it has been pretty good… so I figure that is a good sign.

Okay, now onto what I originally was posting about….

i've been tracing my steps in fingerprint clues and clips of the news. wondering why in our lives the wind calls our name and we're never the same. we were never meant to be this damn broken. words were never meant to be this half-spoken.

“There are few things sadder in this life than watching someone walk away after they've left you, watching the distance between your bodies expand until there's nothing... but empty space and silence.”

I always think about how much easier life would be if we always knew what to expect in the future. That way there is never any unexpected turns that can ultimately turn your life upside down. In the last few days I have been doing a lot of thinking. Wondering. Questioning. When did life get so complicated? How do we know what decisions are the right ones? It seems to me that the more mistakes we make in life, the harder it is to trust yourself. Your judgment. I was talking to my mom the other day and I just kept telling her how all I seem to do is screw up and make bad decisions. How I can’t even trust myself to make even the simplest of decisions without fear of the repercussions. Which then makes the thought of those bigger decisions seem overwhelming to the point of crippling me.

About 3 weeks after my breakup I met someone who changed my life. We became fast friends. From the moment we met it felt as if we had known each other for years. I found myself opening up to him about things that I hadn’t ever told a soul. I never looked at him as more than just a friend. My heart was not in a place to allow anyone in. I had healing to do and I knew I wasn’t capable of anything more than that. He too was in a similar place and I think we both sort of felt at ease knowing that we could be just that. Friends. I would date and talk to him about it and tell him all my wild and crazy stories. He was such a good listener. He made me laugh like I’ve never laughed before and always seemed to know exactly what to say. My friends would see us interact with each other and couldn’t quite comprehend how we were “just friends”. We had incredible chemistry. But I was so blinded by my own stuff that I failed to see it.

Life is funny that way. We can think we are on this path and our protecting ourselves from getting hurt by keeping people at an arms distance away. But God always seems to have a different plan. He manages to come in and open our eyes to something that we may not have ever seen on our own. I believe he brings people into our lives as a way of helping us move forward and bettering our person in order to become all that we are capable of. Sometimes I have a hard time enjoying the present. I want to know what is going to happen 6 months from now. Or a year from now. And I’ve come to find that it isn’t doing me any good. I want to protect myself from the unknown. I want a guarantee that I will never make a poor decision and get hurt in the process. Unfortunately for me, that will never happen.

These last few days have been emotional to say that least. I have had so much time to think about my life and what I really want. Not what I think others will want for my life or what is the socially acceptable decision. But following my heart to what makes me happy. I’ve pushed someone away because I was scared and not only hurt him, but hurt myself. Baggage is a funny thing, because the second you think you’ve gotten rid of it all; it manages to come back and smack you in the face.

We are all human. We have human emotions and we handle situations imperfectly. We all want to do what is right for us and do what we can to protect ourselves but I worry about what we lose in that process. Life is never going to be cut and dry. Never. So I wonder what life would be like if we trusted in a God bigger than this? And allowed for the things we go through and the people we meet along the way to help carry is through those difficult times. And were able to truly enjoy them during the wonderful times.

After my breakup I could legitimately justify being selfish. I figured I got screwed over so I am not going to care about or put anyone else first! I don’t care who I hurt in the process. That lasted about 3 weeks. When I met my mystery friend. I had pretty much told him that I wasn’t interested in dating and that I don’t ever want to see him again. I was scared. I was a bitch. It was only a couple days after that I felt bad. Really bad. I had to find a way to contact him and apologize. I’ve never been so happy to take back that selfish “I don’t care about anyone but myself” action. Because I don’t know where I would be without this friendship and all that it has developed into.

I don’t have all the answers and I don’t know what my future holds. And I’m okay with that. I think when you meet people who make your life so much more than it is, those are the kind of people to keep around as long as possible. I can sit around and go through a million scenarios of how I could get hurt again, but I’m starting to feel like that energy is better spent nurturing those relationships and working on myself on a day to day basis. I think we do a huge disservice to ourselves and the people around us by shutting out what we can explain or predict. I never want to get to a place where I am that way. I want to work on being less scared of what is to come and more excited to let people walk with me on my journey and walk with them through theirs. Because at the end of the day, having people around that we love and care about is so much more fulfilling than anything else.

try to understand there's an old mistake that fools will make & i'm the king of them, pushing everything that's good away. wont you hold me now, i will not bend i will not break. wont you hold me now, for you i rise, for you i fall.

"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Life can be tough sometimes. There is no denying that. It doesn’t matter what we’ve been through or the path we have chosen to take. There are seasons of life that can be just plain hard. I find myself enduring one of those times right now. It seems that no matter where I turn I feel discouraged and hurting. Like there really is no light at the end of the tunnel. You don’t realize how hard it is to have a positive attitude until you really don’t have a choice otherwise. I am in a daily battle with myself to wake up and choose to not allow my circumstances to defeat me. Some days are easy and some are just rough. I am thankful to have people in my life who add such joy and contentment. Sometimes that is exactly what keeps me from telling life to shove it and locking myself in my room and never coming out. Which could actually work. I mean, until I get a knock on the door looking for my rent check. In which case I would have to figure out a better plan. I know, realistically I can’t just hide. No matter how appealing it might sound. But I do believe that we face these trials and tribulations for a purpose. I think it adds a tremendous amount of character to our person and without that sort of growth there really wouldn’t be a ton of purpose to life. I think of it this way: whenever we overcome something in our lives that we never thought was possible that feeling of accomplishment is like no other. When I finished my half-marathon I was on a high from it. Not because I could run that long or because I got this super cool medal after. It was because I remember that time during training when I thought there was no possible way I was going to be able to do it. I literally was halfway through one of my long running days and I thought, if 9 miles makes me want to cut my legs off, there is absolutely no way I can handle the 13 I have to do in a few weeks. But I pressed on. And when I crossed that finish line I didn’t remember that pain I felt in those prior weeks. All I felt was excitement.  I was proud of myself for pushing through. Life is that way. We go through shitty times and we are sure we can’t handle it anymore. It overwhelms us and we think nope, nothing could be worse than this. We play the “what did I do to deserve all of this disappointment in my life?” game. Which of course makes us absolutely crazy. 

Everybody is on a journey. I believe for some it is simple and uncomplicated. It is a string of events from birth to death that happen in perfect timing and there isn’t much trial to it. I also think for some it can be nothing but obstacle after obstacle. No matter what they do or say nothing seems to work out for them. It is a constant battle to do anything. Even though these seem like two very different lives, they have one common denominator: one always wishes they had the other. The grass is always greener. It’s human nature to think that the person sitting next to you has it better, easier, whatever it might be. Not to say that thinking that way is always a bad thing. I mean, for some that is the driving force behind their success. Unfortunately it can also be the exact thing to cripple someone else. I believe very strongly that life is all about the attitude you choose to have. Not that I’m saying, in any way, that I have this perfect outlook on life, but I am working on it. Usually failing miserably, but still trying nonetheless. And that is all that matters, right? :)

Life is absolutely complicated and messy sometimes. But I don’t think there is one person on this planet that doesn’t have at least one thing that makes their life absolutely worth living. Sometimes all we need to do is keep our eyes focused on that very thing and allow for it to carry us through those difficult times. That is the beauty of seasons like the one I’m going through, I always come out on the other side so much better and ironically much happier than I’ve ever been before. God is funny that way. We try to hold on the best we can and the second we find ourselves losing hope, God does something to remind us He is right here. Taking care of us. I can think of very few things in this life sweeter than that. 

 

hard to remember, summer or winter, when she hasn't been there for me. a friend and companion I can always depend on. my mother, that's who I need.

Happy Birthday Mom! There isn't another person on this planet that I look up to more than I do you. You are a living, breathing example of what a woman, mother, and wife should be. Thank for you all the sacrifice, patience and love that you poured out on all of us over the years. You are the most selfless person I know. I hope you know there isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank God that you're my mom. I hope that one day I will be at least half the woman you are. I know this year is going to be the best one ever. Nobody deserves it more than you! You are one of my best friends and I am so thankful for the incredible relationship that we have now. I can't wait to come visit so we can celebrate you! I love you mom. Happy Birthday :)

and she combed your hair, and she kissed your teeth and she made you better than you'd been before. she told you bad things you wished you could change in the lazy summer.

 Last week marked the year anniversary of my breakup with my fiancé. To say it was an emotional week would be an understatement. I am happy to report that none of those emotions involved any feeling of regret or remorse over the split. I think it just made it all seem so real. This has by far been the best year of my life, but it has also been one of the hardest. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I could actually tell you what I was wearing. I remember that feeling of defeat and absolute sadness as I drove away from what I thought would be the man I would grow old with. I still remember the taste of my tears as they fell from my eyes as I tried to get words out as I told my mom what had just happened. Devastation would be a good word for what I felt. I immediately drove to the valley that night. I was in need of the loving embrace of my parents. For them to reassure me that everything was going to be okay. I remember sitting on the floor of our upstairs living room as my parents looked at me with sympathetic eyes. They reminded me of my worth and that God had this big plan for me. I remember wanting so much to believe what they were saying but I couldn’t look past the fact that everything I had thought I wanted had suddenly fallen apart. That was probably the longest weekend of my life. When I arrived back home on Sunday night I didn’t even have a chance to process everything before all hell broke lose. A very hurt, very angry guy came at me with vengeance. Looking for any way to hurt me. I read in a book once that you realize how much you don’t know a person once you go through a divorce with them. Man, was that ever true. I may not have gone through a divorce but I joke that it was my “Mini divorce”. I remember seeing him. From an appearance standpoint, he looked the same. Tall, gorgeous smile and oh so handsome. But when I looked into his eyes I didn’t see him. I didn’t see the man that I had fallen so hard for. The man I had such high hopes and expectation for. It was as if I didn’t even know him. Which really was the hardest thing to move on from.

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism." –Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love.)

When I read that, it was as if I had written it myself. That describes my relationships with men exactly. When I see people I manage to look past every fault, insecurity, shortcomings, and find the beauty or any sort of redemptive quality they have. Then I spend my time helping them channel that quality so it might outshine all the rest. That has been my absolute downfall. After I broke off the engagement, I realized that I can’t do that anymore. I can’t be with someone for the potential they have. I can’t fall in love with the “What ifs”. I have to find someone that is perfect just they way they are. Now, that doesn’t mean I think I am going to find that one perfect man on this earth, cause God knows he doesn’t exist, but find someone who I don’t feel the need to change or alter in order to fit what I think I need.

I did a lot of soul searching after the breakup. I didn’t want to repeat those same mistakes. Actually, I was terrified to make those same mistakes. I didn’t ever want to feel what I felt that day as I drove away. I sought counsel to help me understand why I do the things I do and what I could do to fix that. I would love to say that I have made a full emotional recovery, but I haven’t. I have made a tremendous amount of progress, but my heart is still not fully healed. I think that’s what discouraged me last week. I thought, a year has gone by and I should be healthy and back to “normal”. I realized in that, that I don’t want to go back to normal. I want to move forward and leave behind all those ideals I thought I wanted or needed in someone else. With each scar I have taken with me from my past relationships, I am able to use that as a reminder of where I have been and the things I have learned. With that knowledge I can navigate better through those times when I find myself potentially repeating old behavior.

I know there will never been a guarantee that I won’t get hurt again. I know that I might make some of the same mistakes again. I will fall down but I know I will pick myself up and move on. I don’t know what the future holds for me or what God has in store for my life. What I do know is that when it comes to matters of the heart I will walk with caution. I won’t just let anyone come in and make a home in my heart. To only mess it up, leave it dirty and vacate. Last night I got accused of something along the lines of being in love. The details of it don’t really matter so I won’t disclose them. But anyway, when this accusation was given, I had to hold back from laughing. I must be a great actress. I say this because I sit awake at night and worry that I won’t ever be able to love again. That I won’t be able to open up my heart like I did those few years ago. I worry for my next partner and how our relationship will unfold and if I will ever be able to let go. So for someone to say that seemed so far from where I am at emotionally. That doesn’t mean that I won’t ever be able to enter into a relationship, but when I do it will have to go at a snails pace in order for me to ever open up to the thought of loving someone and letting them love me in return. I realize that I can’t go my entire life never loving anyone again, but at this stage in the game I can’t even fathom that. Anytime I think about another guy coming into my life at that capacity I can’t picture it. I can’t picture being in love, spending our time together, being a part of my family or his for that matter. It’s the strangest thing and I have never experienced that before. But I do think it might just be a sign that I am not ready for something serious and my heart is still healing from my relationship…. And that’s okay. 

“We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something." –Eat, Pray, Love

I heard that in the movie and it stuck with me, as well as made me cry like baby. But man, is that not so true. I may not have reached the full recovery I had hoped for in this year, but I have grown so much and learned even more. I don’t regret my relationship with my fiancé. If anything, I can look back think about how hard I fought for someone who I thought I was in love it… which makes me think about how much harder I will be able to fight for someone who I am absolutely in love with. 

it's a big girl world now. full of big girl things. and everyday I wish I was small. i've been counting on nothing, but he keeps giving me his word. and I am tired of hearing myself speak. do you ever get weary? do you ever get weak?

 This has been an emotional few months for me. It feels like life is throwing so many things at me and emotionally I am trying to deal with it all to the best of my ability. Normally I just take everything into my own hands and silently deal with any and all problems that arise. I am realizing that I can’t live like that anymore. The role I have played in my family and within my friends has always been the one who has it together and nobody has to worry whether or not I’m okay. I was the “strong” one. Although I am thankful to be able to take care of myself and have that sort of independence, I also think it has sort of done me a disservice in some aspects of my life. I’ve never really let anybody fully into my heart. I sort of just draw them in but guard my heart just enough so they can’t see my weaknesses, character flaws and vulnerability. I have come across very few people in my life who I felt were strong enough to handle the issues in my life and the emotions that I have and who were strong enough to handle that burden themselves. Two of which are my parents. I didn’t even look at my fiancé that way. He wasn’t one that I turned to when it came down to those hard issues in life. It just wasn’t his role and partially because I never allowed for him to be that person for me. Whether or not he could have done it, at this point I’ll never know. But either way, I allowed for that to be the norm and I probably robbed the both of us of a deeper relationship because of it. It is a definite fault of mine and I am working daily to let go of that sort of control I feel I need and allow people into parts of my heart that nobody has ever been. The thought of being that vulnerable and open with another person is an overwhelming and scary thought. It makes me want to crawl into bed and never come out. I could probably continue to be this way and now allow people into my life in a deeper capacity, but I know that in the long wrong that isn’t what is going to fulfill me the most.